Ha. I did NOT write this post. I would call myself an expert on coping with anxiety, but being a spouse of someone with a disorder? That is ALL Mike. And he’s rill good at it too. So, he is here today with 10 Tips for When Your Spouse Has an Anxiety Disorder. He wrote it from the perspective of a husband, but his thoughts and advice are totally legit for anyone who cares for someone with anxiety. Also, he’s an engineer.
10 Tips for When Your Spouse Has an Anxiety Disorder
Introductory Argument
Jenna and I recently had an argument. The point of the argument is lost to me, but I remember it consisted of me hitting a breaking point over an expectation difference that was derived from something Jenna was worried about. Like any reasonable person, I responded by entering say-mean-things-mode, which quickly escalated into a full blown altercation. Don’t worry though, we worked it out and ended with these highly encouraging words for each other:
Mike: I will try to be less mean when I think you’re being crazy
Jenna: I’ll try to remember you’re a human
Surprisingly, neither of those statements contains even an ounce of sarcasm. The root cause of the escalation was that I was unable to support Jenna during a moment of anxiety, and Jenna was unable to support me when I (very poorly) expressed some emotion. This is why we suck.
Here is another pointed exchange that further highlights some fundamental differences in our thought processes:
Jenna: I am so worried about norovirus because there is nothing I can do about it…
Mike: …which is why you shouldn’t worry about it
Jenna: we see things differently.
Anyway, the reason that I bring these conversations up is because they are both related to something that affects our marriage on a daily basis: anxiety.
Really Boring Background Context
This is my 8th year of being with Jenna. That’s almost 30% of my life. If I ever want to achieve my goal of spending over 80% of my life in love with Jenna, I need to do two things:
- Invest in our relationship
- Drink three High Life’s per day
The second thing is very straightforward, so I’ll focus my thoughts on the first. I need to invest in my relationship with my wife. That investment has many different facets such as spending time together, praying for each other, spending time away from each other, understanding each other, and hundreds of other things. One of the most critical aspects of this investment is the understanding and the subsequent actions that should align to said understanding.
My wife suffers from an anxiety disorder, and I need to understand it so that I can support her. Throughout her life, she has weathered many different waves of high and low anxiety. Sometimes it manifests as paralyzing panic attacks. Other times it’s just a subtle tone that I pick up in her voice. Sometimes it’s imperceptible to me, but I know she still feels it on some level. A lot of this anxiety can be assigned to identifiable triggers, but not all of it. It’s difficult to predict. It is self-perpetuating. It has an absurd stigma associated with it. Some waves come weekly. Other waves come monthly or yearly. Some waves barely rock the boat. Other waves capsize us and leave us clinging on to a shred of wood gasping for air and grasping for life. Anxiety is not fun for anyone involved. Despite all that, Jenna does a fantastic job of managing her anxiety. She has sought help from every possible avenue, and made huge strides in combating this affliction. I could not be more proud of her for that. I need to do my part to understand Jenna’s anxiety so that I can react appropriately to it.
Sometimes I’m the Worst Person Ever
Let’s talk about how to react inappropriately to anxiety. My frequent crier card is loaded with thousands of points that I continue to rack up when I respond to Jenna’s anxiety poorly.
In any marriage, there will be tiffs, problems, arguments and major crises. Anxiety can not only increase the frequency of those issues, but it also adds a layer of complexity to each of them.
Sometimes, instead of being courageous and approaching these issues with ninja-like tact, I take the lazy road and shut down. I react by shutting off my emotions as opposed to dealing with them. It’s like I’m trying to do the right thing by not exploding with frustration, but I’m doing it without total buy-in. Instead of being happily empathetic, I may just bite my tongue and silently add a weight to the wrong side of the resentment scale. As that scale builds up and starts to become lopsided, my patience evaporates. My kindness disappears. My understanding and forgiveness fade to the level of Ebenezer Scrooge.
I know you’re thinking I’m a model husband at this point, but this isn’t even the best part. The best (read: worst) part is when I finally hit the breaking point and spew all this crap out like Mother Nature when she’s feeling particularly destructive. This is the wrong way to handle anxiety. The great hilarity of an excessively negative emotional response to someone else’s anxiety is that it makes me the same as that person. I can’t handle your emotions so I’m going to react with even more ridiculous emotions. This reaction and any others like it are just plain selfish. Since selfish is the opposite of selfless and selfless is the same as love, that makes my selfish reaction the opposite of love (transitive property, baby). If I truly love my wife, I will not only understand her feelings, but I will feel, think and act selflessly towards her every day.
It’s Not a Tumor! (but it is a disease)
So, I’m not a doctor, but I do know that anxiety is a disease that affects people both mentally and physically. I have witnessed its work enough to see that it is not simply a lack of effort on an individual’s part. The unfortunate thing about anxiety is that its observable symptoms overlap with many actions that are also related to poor behavior. If someone has cancer, you’re going to cut them all kinds of slack (as you should!!!) and you’re going to sacrifice a lot to make sure you care for them. One of my biggest struggles with anxiety is in trying to find the line where I need to hold my wife accountable for stuff vs. sympathizing with her plight and pouring on the extra care. Part of what makes our marriage successful is that we have high standards for each other. Jenna helps me when I drift astray, and I do the same for her. It’s just a little more complicated when anxiety is part of that equation. When I put a lot of thought into how I should act in these situations, my brain is continually drawn towards a couple simple conclusions:
- Disease or no, it’s never my place to judge my wife. She could write an entire book about my ACTUAL shortcomings that aren’t linked to any disease other than my ineptitude.
- All I need to do is love my wife by striving to selflessly care for her every moment.
These conclusions remind me that while everyone does need a kick in the pants sometimes, if I’m unsure about how to react to something I should err on the side of empathy.
In Sickness and In Health
I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I wonder if people would ever get married if they truly understood that promise. When you’re standing on the altar, the last thing from your mind is the absolute guarantee that you and your wife will have to endure absolutely insane challenges together. During those challenges you tend to think “well THIS is not what I signed up for” or “challenges? Sure, but that certainly doesn’t apply to a situation of this magnitude!” Those colossal issues are exactly what the vow is about. It’s amazing how the words “I DO” flow out so quickly and easily, and with them we seal the entirety of our future life on a sentence that takes six seconds to speak and two seconds to forget. I like to think back on that moment in my life and remember that however difficult a situation is, I most definitely signed up for that and more. You can choose to see big challenges as a way to grow closer to your wife, or as a way to drive you apart.
I mentioned earlier that we need to recognize anxiety as a disease and care for individuals who suffer from it. That is still true, and it is still helpful for me to remind my weak self of that, but I actually believe that there is a deeper, more beautiful, and more profoundly logical way to look at it.
Several years ago I learned an invaluable lesson from my father-in-law. It was during the time when his wife was suffering from cancer. The younger me struggled to see how he could support someone through one of the most frightening and demanding situations in life with such compassion, with such consistency, and with such a positive attitude. Dan’s approach was really quite simple. He told me that he would be perfectly happy to serve his wife every day like this until the day he died if he had to because this was the work that God had given him. His mission was directly in front of him and he knew what to do. It was pure selflessness and it was amazing.
That leads me to the deeper thought, which is tied to the root of Christianity. God sent a piece of himself, his own son, to serve a broken and thankless human race. In doing so he taught us how to love, and freed us from the drudge of selfishness and hate. Each of us has trials in our lives. Our primary mission is to conquer those trials with love every single day. That’s pretty much it.
Finally! A List of Ten Reasonable Suggestions
It was a struggle for me to not make this whole dissertation one long bulleted list (if you’re wondering, it at least started as one). Here’s a quick summary of things that have worked for me in dealing with my wife’s anxiety:
- Most anxiety swirls around the lack of hope and confidence. Focus on building hope and growing confidence in your wife. I can’t stress this one enough.
- Write down a list of what helps your wife get through an anxious situation. Constantly remind her of this helpful process when she needs it most.
- Put problems into perspective. If something minor is causing the anxiety, talk through the details in a real context to prove that everything is going to be OK.
- Track major improvements and examples of overcoming anxiety. Pay attention to when your wife actually feels good, and recognize those moments emphatically.
- Know when to push and when to comfort. This is so tricky to do but you get better at it with time.
- Lighten the mood. Stay positive. Crack some jokes.
- Help identify anxiety triggers, and help minimize them once you know what they are.
- Be honest about your own feelings with your wife. You have to do this nicely, but it helps to prevent resentment from building up.
- Join a prayer group. Having a wife with anxiety can take a toll on you. My men’s group bolsters my faith, which in turn gives me the strength to support her.
- Be openminded about all kinds of treatments. It’s a difficult choice to take medication or seek therapy for anxiety, but it might be the right choice. Forget about the stigma and focus on what’s best for your wife.
For my parting thought, I’ll leave you with some words from Confucius: a sword tempers under heat and pressure. A noodle softens and becomes inedible mush. Which will you choose to be, a magnificent weapon or stupid mush?
Thank you for reading 10 Tips for When Your Spouse Has an Anxiety Disorder. Pass it along to someone who might be able to use it. Or Pin It for later xx
My Book
If you are looking for further help with your anxiety, please check out my book 30 Days to Calm. It is a journal that will take you on a month long journey through creating a toolbox for coping with and battling anxiety and panic disorders.
***There are so many wonderful, uplifting, heart-wrenching, and important comments on this post. While you may not see our replies in the combox, please be assured that Mike and I are responding via email to all of you!***
This post is a God-wink for me God is letting me see the fruits of all of my prayers that I prayed for Jenna nearly everyday since she was born. Thank you Mike. Thank you for listening to God speak to you through your calling and vocation. I will pray even more for you. xo
My wife have a dirty disorders she thonk the house is clean but is not she dont realize that everything cost money.even about her vehicles she dont realize that if you she dont take care of her materials staff we will never going to stop working hard for getting what we need i need help
Nice post… totally agree that yes, it’s not a tumor BUT it is a disease.
great tips too.
This. Is. Amazing. My husband also loves a wife with an anxiety disorder. :) He will be so thankful for this — I can’t wait for him to read it!
Thank you.
Very wise words. I have some anxiety issues as well, and my husband is so great at helping me overcome my most harried moments. My family tends to not understand much about my anxiety and gets really frustrated with me at times, so I feel especially blessed to have my husband as my voice of reason talking me down from my ledges (or in my case, out of my house).
Wow. As a wife with a husband who suffers from anxiety, this hits the spot. I’m an optimistic fixer by nature, and empathy for someone in the throes of anxiety is HARD! Thank you for the list (I love a to do list), and for the reminder that a spouse’s love must mirror Christ’s love for his church.
Good words, Mike!
I sent this to my husband who really appreciated reading Mike’s perspective on living with anxiety. Thanks for sharing how you handle some of these moments in your relationship! I especially appreciated the 10 reasonable suggestions for practical ways of working through anxious situations. (Somewhat funny: my husband mentioned it was like reading about our own experiences together since my name is also Jenna. :) )
This is such an incredible article about your experiences with a wife with an anxiety disorder. I feel so awful that my husband has to put up with my anxiety. He is such a positive person and sometimes I worry that I drag his mood down. My husband does nearly all of your ten points, and I couldn’t be more grateful. He really is the light in my life. Thank you for sharing your story and your advice.
Thank you. My husband suffers from major anxiety. He’s on meds and has been for therapy but this year had been especially hard. I’m expecting, he hates his job and just recently had a mass removed from his throat. We’ve hit rock bottom and now are working our way up and out of this pit. Understanding is so hard when you don’t live it and for outside people sometimes including myself it’s very frustrating. I rely on God to give me strength to help him. Thank you for your ideas, they will be helpful.
This is great I have anxiety disorder and my husband just doesn’t understand what it is I go through or struggle with on a daily basis I believe having him read this will give him a better understanding
Love this! The only thing that is different for me is when I get anxious I can get angry. My husband likes to try to lighten the mood but given we are newly married it is usually no where near the right time (in my mind). :) Cracking a joke may just send me right over the edge. God bless him for tackling a life with me!
I’m in the same boat with you, when I get anxious I get angry. It’s a crapshoot most days! Our poor husbands! Best wishes to you both!!
Hi Crazy in Colorado. Thank you for honesty. The anger point and Monica’s comment about a light hearted joke just tipping the scale… this is my life of 30 years with a girl I still choose to be with everyday. I am not a quitter and will not by God’s grace quit !! To both you and Monica my thought/question is… what about denial? My wife was diagnosed with Post Tramatic Stress Disorder by a senior Ivy League Medical Center doctor. Upon leaving the office she got angry, said he was a quack and that if she has PTSD, everyone has it. As an Adult Child of an Alcholic I am aware that in AA for instance, the first step to healing has to be an acceptance of your own reality… IE “hello, my name
is Bruce, I am a shark, I eat my fellow sea creatures.” (Finding Nemo I think:)
To get through or live with this it would seem we have to collaborate, how can that happen if there is persistent denial. What seems to follow is enabling, co-dependency, anger, pain, vacations from all these and RE-entry into the frey when sores are tripped.
Why do you guys seem to easily admit that you are angry? For you and your husband that means
There
Is
Hope!
thank you for sharing your experience with anxiety. my husband has recently been dealing with anxiety and i frankly have been failing at being supportive. i want to give up and i’m pulling my hair out, but hearing another person share is encouraging.
I love tip number three. My therapist used to do this with me, and it helped a lot.
Marvelous ! My husband and I both deal with anxiety but of course our triggers are different. Any thoughts on this?
I lost my husband and marriage due to these very reasons. I wish he’d been able to deal with it all better and try some of these tips so he didn’t hold the resentments he did against me. This article really touchs home for me.
I started having panic attacks when I was 21…I’m now 53. I was married to an Air Force man & he had orders to Germany for 3 years. We had 2 kids ages 23 & 8 months. I’d Never been out of the USA! Things went okay for probably first 2-3 mos then all of a sudden I started having panic attacks where I was scared out of my wit’s but didn’t know why; crying; couldn’t be alone & it wasn’t like I could drive to my Mama’s or other family members! It upset my husband and I tried to explain where he’d understand but he never did!!!.:( To him…DON’T THINK BOUT THEM & THEY WON’T HAPPEN WAS THE SOLUTION!!!! Oh how I wish it were that simple!!! I started Counseling w/the chaplain at the base church, which helped me overcome a lot. I’ve since had a recurrance of panic attacks but NO ONE in my family understands…my sister in Illinois talks to me when I’m in panic mode & that’s so very helpful!!! Sometimes we just need someone to talk to; sometimes we just need a hug; sometimes we need to cuddle to feel safe but for me I NEEDED THE LORD MOST OF ALL!!! IF IT WEREN’T FOR HIM & FRIENDS, CHAPLAINS, ETC HE PLACED IN MY LIFE I WOULDN’T HAVE MADE IT NOR MANAGED TO RAISE OUR DAUGHTER AND SON!!! Our daughter passed away in a one car accident(hydroplaned) @ the age of 23 in ’05 & our son was 21. We miss & love her daily!!! Right now I’ve been going thru another bout of panic attacks…this time I’m Not alone…the LORD provided friends, one of my sisters & a brother to help me. God Is Good!!!
Thank you for this entry – a lot of it does make sense and it is encouraging to not feel alone when you are walking through this strange, dark forest.
Many of your suggested actions sound familiar, and it was good to know that I am on the right track to being a good partner.
There is another, unspoken element that I struggle with – and that’s the sense that this is NEVER going to go away, and the rest of our life together is going to be three steps forward, two steps back, one step to the side, turn around and wait for the man on the Clapham bus. I know I don’t have an endless well of patience, and I am really starting to get scared that I am going to run out of energy. I worry that I am the husband who is supporting a partner with this illness, but I am never going to be the partner who gets a hug in the kitchen, or a whispered word, or a walk in the park at sunset.
I know there’s no answer on this point and even writing this makes me feel a little stronger. Anyway, thanks for the site and I look forward to learning more.
Regards – John, Australia
I loved reading the article and it really hit home, my Husbsnd had anxiety and depression. Everyone here is sounding do positive but I fee like I’m really struggling with it.?
Hi Mandy! My wife is pretty bad too. I feel like its more me not understanding or being able to truly empathize with her. Is this something you’re having trouble with too? If not maybe you have some tips for me. I’m striking out most of the time. My dad had anxiety too. My mom would tell me about my dad riding home from work hitting a pot hole then thinking he hit a pedestrian, then circling around the street several times to be certain he didn’t
I can relate John, there is so much time and energy that gets sucked out of you dealing with this disease that I’m scared I’m going to run out. The sacrifices are huge.
Thank you! From a not so understanding husband. I suppose I never know how to take my wife’s anxiety. sometimes I want to push back, but naturally its not the right time. Something I have to work on, so I’m pretty grateful for coming across this. Thanks Mike
Hello again. I think I keep returning to read this as it really does resonate, so thanks to all for your sharing.
I have a new mental image which is proving to be useful when I try to be a supportive partner.
My energy ‘tank’ is no longer a forty gallon drum. I consider I am only carrying a quart of energy, and yes it gets used up quickly.
But because it’s so small, I can fill it easily too and still stay strong and supportive. A walk in the sun, the sight of leaves blowing, a dog running – I can fill from them.
It’s helping. This is helping.
Thanks again – John
Thank you so much for posting this. I will share it with my husband. He does an amazing job, but I know it cannot be easy for him dealing with my anxiety, especially when I go through a long spell. Thanks!
I wish I could get my husband to read this. He lacks the empathy and understanding even though he has never witnessed 99 2/3% of any “meltdown”. I can typically talk myself “down off the ledge” (so to speak). In the rare moments he sees my stress, sadly, he just adds to it and we end up ferociously fighting.
I stumbled across this blog and found it helpfull. My wife of 24 years has extreme anxiety; in my opinion it has gotten steadily worse as the years have gone by. The things that have helped me the most are: 1. Prayer I have spent many many hours on my knees begging, and pleading with god for him to give me more strength, and to help me have more patience, 2. Realizing that it’s not my job to make my wife happy, as a man you want so desperately to fix things you want to make it better, for a number of years I blamed myself for her unhappiness. The reality is you can’t fix it 3. Don’t give up the things you love and Get use to going places, and doing things without her. She has social anxiety, and it’s very very difficult to get her out of the house so I go to church, neighborhood parties, and Just about everything else without her. She use to absolutely love Jeeping, but now she is so afraid that riding in a Jeep on a bumpy road will give her a concussion that she won’t go. She has stopped hiking due to the fear she will fall and get a concussion, if she won’t go I just go with my kids without her, or by myself. 4. Ask for help, and if someone offers help take it. 5. If you are worried about combinations of medication speak up, we had a situation where 2 different dr’s prescribed a dangerous combination of medications. My experience is family Dr’s love to pile on medications. We now have a psychiatrist who reviews all of her medication changes
I’m so glad I found this. This post gives me hope that I might someday have a partner who loves me despite my anxiety and is willing to deal with the challenges that come with it. I’m so glad for your wife that she has you.
Great article. As someone with anxiety it is a constant battle in your head. Trying to fight the thoughts is exhausting. Sometimes you don’t need someone to solve the issue, it can just simply be a hug or everything is going to be ok – I’ll be here. The most frustrating thing is when someone tells you to snap out of it. If it were only that easy.
My husband has several anxiety and it’s really tough to deal with. Especially, when I’m made out to be the bad guy and everything is my fault. I need help in my marriage and trying to get him some help. Thanks for sharing.
Said a prayer for you, Tiffany. I live this way often, too.
hi tiffany. my husband is like this. he says i cause his attacks and never deal with them correctly. i know when he is anxious and i tend to try and lighten the mood by being positive about small things. usually that makes things worse. i am constantly talked over and blamed. it is exhausting. if i have any sort of grievance shit hits the fan.
i cant seem to find a lot of people who deal with the blaming. i am seeking guidance from anywhere and anyone.
he refuses to get any sort of therapy because “they are all pill pushers and neurotypical know it alls who have read a book” which i think is part of his anxiety thinking people are out to get him.
i am not a religious person so resources are limited in my town. (please no prayers)
i wish you luck tiffany. life really can be a challenge.
xox you’re not alone.
Nice to know I’m not alone! My husband of 21 years suffers from anxiety and only recently began seeking help. I hate the times when we have these fights over nothing. I am guilty of just not saying anything and then letting things build up till I explode. Must do better. Found your article encouraging.
Husband and
Good suggestions! My husband has anxiety and he won’t seek treatment. We have been together for seven years, and I’m tired of dealing with it. I wish spouses with anxiety could understand what their non-anxious spouse has to sacrifice to accommodate their disease. Want a thriving social life that includes your partner? Sorry, you’ll be spending your nights at home or going to things solo. Want a thriving, adventurous sex life? Sorry, you’ll spend a lot of lonely nights with an uptight or not in the mood partner–so again, you’re going solo (even if you are a woman). Want to be in group activities, try new places, try new activities? Nope–your spouse is just going to melt down toddler style and you’ll have tocome back with friends or-surprise-alone. Spouses with anxiety, your partner often feels very alone. They did not get married to go at life alone. Your issues are heartbreaking to your spouse, and they are not bad people for being upset about it. Knowing the reason you are freaking out doesn’t always or even often make it easy to take. Frankly, they need as much grace abd understanding as you do, and you are going to have to shell out like you expect them to. It is not fun–so, so not fun.
Thank you!
Joy –
I know your post was some time ago here, but commenting a thank you any way of how much your comment is spot on with my experience as well. I’m so, so, so tired of being married and feeling so incredibly alone. AMEN To this statement: “Your issues are heartbreaking to your spouse, and they are not bad people for being upset about it. ”
Mike – That’s awesome that your wife is actively trying to do what she can to get help, stay healthy, and is open to your input. You’re right – that would make it a lot easier to deal with. It’s so incredibly frustrating to be the spouse trying to be supportive and not blow up and get angry… and yet see the person with anxiety do so little to help themselves.
WOW!! joy thank you!! i have been looking for someone to say to me what you’ve said. EVERYTHING I read is how i am supposed to react, how i am supposed to support them, and how i’m supposed to calm them etc. There is nothing supporting us as the spouses who take daily abuse because their partners are sick.
WE are important. WE have human emotions that matter and we NEED to remember to take self care into consideration.
I love my husband but he forgets i am only human and i can only handle so much before i need to be taken care of too.
My husband suffers from anxiety and we have been married 20 years. I have often thought he is the work God has given me. There have been many times I wanted to throw in the towel. But after spending time alone and with reflection, I think about what it must be like for him living in a world where making a plan or figuring out directions or getting ready to go out sends him into a spiral of anger and fear. It’s not easy for either of us. But I have the option to separate myself from the anxiety. Unfortunately for my husband, even on good days it’s inescapable.
This got to the core of what I’m feeling today. My husband has anxiety and, especially with a 5-year-old daughter, sometimes I feel pulled in a million directions. I worry that my resentment sometimes grows much more than I realize. I’m also a counselor, so I’m literally trained in active listening, showing empathy, etc. But it’s the inconsistency that gets me so flustered sometimes. I want to be able to trust my husband to take care of basic responsibilities, but every once in awhile he can’t. And I never know when that once in awhile will come. And what if I’m not around to help? What if he’s with our daughter and can’t take care of her? It feels so selfish, like I betray him by not fully trusting him. And I know it isn’t his fault. But… yeah. I agree with many of your tips. And I suppose I wanted to encourage others by adding that even people trained in providing mental health services have trouble doing all the “right” things all the time. It’s all just hard and messy.
This is a really valuable post. It meant a lot to me.
My wife has what I believe to be mild-to-moderate anxiety and/or depression, though she does not feel there is anything unusually wrong and she does not have panic attacks. But she is often overwhelmed and drained of energy by her emotions, fearful of new things and leaving the house, unreliable and inconsistent in getting simple things done, etc. I have struggled for many years to know how to deal with this beyond “be supportive,” especially when in my view she does not recognize the problem herself.
I particularly valued the statements: “The unfortunate thing about anxiety is that its observable symptoms overlap with many actions that are also related to poor behavior” and “One of my biggest struggles with anxiety is in trying to find the line where I need to hold my wife accountable for stuff vs. sympathizing with her plight and pouring on the extra care.” This is exactly how I feel – that to be supportive feels like just being a doormat, taking on all the household tasks myself, sacrificing or neglecting my own wants and needs, and constantly making excuses for her. But no one ever seems to talk about this effect on partners. It’s all about “be supportive” and “recognize she can’t snap out of it.” I understand that. But it is so hard when I hold our kids, my employees, others, and most of all myself to certain standards of behavior and responsibility, and yet let it all slide when it comes to my spouse because she “doesn’t feel up to it.” And if I do hold her accountable, I have to be ready for the tears or anger that usually follow.
It is also good to know that your men’s prayer group has been helpful. I have struggled to find support from other men here, Christian or otherwise, as I always feel I am on a different planet. They talk about helping out with dinner sometimes. I usually cook seven nights a week because she inevitably doesn’t “feel up to it.” I am still searching as I am sure there are other men out there in the same situation.
I have gone to counseling myself and found it useful for validating my experience, and helping control the rage and anger I sometimes feel. But I always feel so alone about this. So your post was really helpful. Thanks.
Hello Bill. I’m glad you found the post valuable, especially if it helps you feel less alone. I appreciate your comment and wanted to say I share your thoughts about holding kids, employees, neighbors, etc. up to a very high standard that seems to not apply when anxiety is a factor. That has always been one of my biggest challenges. While I still struggle with that, I have found some solace in a couple of things. The most important is that Jenna has always aggressively pursued help in every way she could find. Just knowing that she’s trying takes the edge off most of my negativity. I have no doubt that you’ve tried many things here, but helping your wife to fully understand and accept the real problem of anxiety is a critical starting point.
A second thing that helped was realizing that Jenna’s more responsible when she holds herself to a high standard instead of just responding to my policing. The key to that is in carefully learning each other’s expectations and having the mutual respect to try to achieve them, even if it’s just a little bit at first. We’ve been through plenty of the tearful angry arguments that ensue when I dish out accountability, and even if my points are justified and I get her to “agree” all I’ve really done is decreased her hope and lowered her self confidence…. the lack of which causes more anxiety. Sometimes those arguments are ultimately helpful in the growth of our relationship, but only when used sparingly. I’ve heard before that it takes eight positive encounters to offset one negative encounter between people. It’s a guideline I’ve always tried to employ while at work (sometimes impossible), but I think it applies here even more because if there’s one place we should show the most support, it’s with family.
I will pray that you find a strong men’s group. I don’t delve much into this subject in that forum, however the group strengthens my faith which in turn helps me to manage anxiety with empathy, so it’s very much responsible for any small improvements I’ve made.
God Bless
-Mike
Thanks for your reply, Mike. I appreciate it. Again, your words about accountability were especially affirming. I will continue to work on helping to understand her anxiety and how to cope with it. Thanks to you and others here for letting me know I am not alone.
Bill
I’ve been having a really tough time lately with my wife. She pushes herself to unbelievable limits, far beyond what is healthy, but has NEVER complained to me once – I just assumed that she is way freaking tougher than I am. While this is true, she actually took a stand for herself recently and took a couple of days to stay with a friend. This gave me a chance to do some hard self-reflection and I realized that I am 100% undeserving of having her in my life. I don’t try my hardest to do right by her each and every day. I resolved to be more honest with her and myself, and simply work harder at being a good husband. It wasn’t until she came home that I feel like I really looked at her openly and honestly, without judgment and without rose-colored glasses. I saw a little girl who is lost, alone, without any idea of how to survive and grow so she just desperately fights off anyone who may be threatening, me included.
I am quite sure that she has an anxiety disorder, and because she loves me so much she protected me from that. I don’t think that she is consciously aware of her anxiety, but she knows that she has a tougher time with managing her life than most people do. It’s taken me all of three days to feel like there is no hope for our marriage because I am not strong enough to carry us both, but your article helped a lot. I can do this. I want to do this. I love her.
Thank you so much for writing this.
Hi Matt. I’m sorry to hear about the recent events, however, it sounds like you’re taking the right approach and that will really make a big difference! Have faith that you’re more than capable of rising to the challenge. – Mike
I am a psychotherapist and my husband has suffered with GAD and PTSD through our 14 year marriage. The difficult thing is, I deal with these emotions all day with my clients and then I have to come home to it at night. Pretty exhausting. He finally went to see a psychiatrist last year but had refused the years before because he thought I was going to have him committed. He is suspicious of everything, has worst case scenario thinking, and believes everyone is out to get him. Since the diagnosis my husband has done nothing to read up on it, or except the fact that he has a mental health issue. As most of the comments have mentioned, he will blame me and it’s always my fault which of course leads to HUGE fights. He refuses to go to therapy. Now I’m in therapy which helps a great deal. I pray a lot, have great friends, I choose my battles and I refuse to apologize for things that I did not do. In the past I would always apologize just to smooth things over even when I didn’t do what he claimed I did. It’s easy to teach someone in my practice about anxiety, but sometimes it’s very difficult to do it at home when you’re emotionally involved with someone. The 10 points were excellent and everyone’s feedback I believe helps each of us move forward with the people that we care about that struggle with this disease.
See above
You are a better man than me. After having a child my wife was diagnosed with GAD. She is unbearable to deal with and I’m leaving her.
I was going to check myself into a hospital today, end my marriage or end my life. It’s not dramatic, it was the truth. I didn’t want to pray, I went on Pinterest and found this. God found me. A glimmer of hope. Thank you for taking the time to think this through, type and share. You might have saved a life. God bless you.
Hi Gabby,
It’s neat how God brings us hope when we need it most. I pray that your glimmer of hope turns into a blaze of fire. God bless you!
Mike
My wife has always been on the anxious side. Her father suffered from depression, OCD, and anxiety. We’ve been married almost 9 years now, and this past year has been rough going. She had a huge panic attack this week and until that time I never really realized how bad things made her feel. She has decided it is time for her to talk to professional help, which i fully support. I’ve been digging through the Internet to help myself understand what is going on and how to support and help her. Thanks for some really good insight and advice. There are defiantly things I need to work on in supporting her through this.
Thanks for writing this and saving my marriage. I have one question. Is it possible to be happily married to a person anxiety with two young children and travel frequently for work? I find that every time I need to leave town it causes anxiety in my wife and she has grown very resentful. Whenever we discuss a fight it’s always focused around what I can do different/better. She seems resistant to getting help and I have encouraged her numerous times. As she is railing me for not being more understanding and supportive I have a tendency to ask her the same thing. Which I know doesn’t help matters, but I just want to know that we are working on this together. (Selflessness isn’t my strong suit in my marriage) Thanks again and God bless!
Hi Jake, I’m glad you found the article useful. It’s always possible to be happily married! The challenges you describe are tough ones for sure but I don’t think they’re insurmountable. It seems like there is an opportunity to grow in communication and find mutual support for each other’s circumstances.
I’m familiar first-hand with the issue of travel. My job doesn’t require it too often, but when it does, it’s NEVER popular. For some reason we have this horrible luck where every time I’m out of town for a week or two, something awful happens at home. Whether it’s everyone getting really sick (thank you, norovirus), or an altercation with my neighbor’s unleashed dog, I can pretty much count on something bad happening while I’m gone. I don’t really have a magic solution to the anxiety these trips can cause my wife, but I do think that it’s critical to find other ways of supporting her. Other ways of making her feel supported could be lining up a babysitter or grandparent to relieve her for a day or even a couple hours and doing more than the usual amount of nice things (send flowers… surprises…whatever she responds well to) to bring some joy to her day. During the times you are home, go out of your way to be more supportive. If you take the lead on showing your support first, you may find that her stronger support for you follows. When Jenna feels like I’m supporting her, tough situations like travel go way more smoothly than when she is feeling unsupported and I pile it on by leaving her alone for a week. When I think about Jenna’s perspective, it makes it a lot easier for me to react positively to the added stress she is under, and the lack of support for me that it may cause. I know that I sometimes lose patience when parenting our kids for 2 minutes; it is orders of magnitude more challenging and tiring to be the sole parent for days on end.
Also, as far as communicating about this stuff, I would try to pick a time where nobody is upset to dive deep and problem solve together. If you are both able to acknowledge that you want the situation to get better and want to support each other more effectively, that would be a great start.
My final thought is that you should pray for the intercession of Ss. Louis and Zelie Martin. I’m currently reading a book about their wonderful marriage and it came to mind as I was thinking about your situation. I’m finding lots of inspiration from reading about them and I think they can help!
God Bless,
Mike
Loved this! My husband Mike uses some of the same strategies your Mike does in helping me cope. :) Pinning it!!
Thank you for this! I needed to read this! My marriage has become very trying bc my husband suffers from depression and anxiety. He doesn’t believe he has anxiety tho, he just knows he’s dying. I find it very hard to come up with the words to reply to this statement, when everyday I hear this.
This is really difficult. I have been trying to put this into practice and I do believe it’s helping. Then today my wife woke up and came down stairs as I was cooking breakfast and got on my case about family members not responding to texts and posts on social media. I eventually got her calmed down enough to get her to talk without shouting and she responded well. All was well, until I realized that I had accidentally thrown away the frosting for the cinnamon rolls during the heated conversation. Then she absolutely blew up, let’s just say it didn’t end well. I couldn’t even get out my offer to go get more from the store. It wasn’t possible. Is it possible that PMDD or a similar disorder could be contributing to this issue. I want to understand but I am a fixer by nature and this just doesn’t add up.
God bless,
Jake
How do you maintain emotional intimacy and personal health when married to a person with generalized anxiety disorder? I get being supportive, having a servant heart, and all that. My fear though is that my marriage is becoming more like a therapist-patient relationship than a marriage. I never know when my spouse is emotionally stable enough to hear the struggles in my life, especially when she’s the cause. I haven’t reached a point where the resentment has built up to the point of explosion. I seem to be going the opposite direction – just assuming that my spouse is not someone I can share my feelings with. I find myself constantly going through a decision making process where I’m making mental calculations in my head as to how I’m going to make personal sacrifices to better support her, and she has no clue what is occurring. She just sees the resulting decision with no insight of my sacrifices, although to be fair, I’m not including her in the decision-making because I don’t think she’s capable of being an equal in the marriage. I know almost everything about her, and slowly, I’m becoming a stranger to her.
Hello Ben
I think the key to improving both your emotional intimacy and personal health is to find a way to share your feelings with her and tackle the anxiety as a team. You mentioned that you may not do this because you feel she cannot handle it. Perhaps at the moment you are right, but it is possible to overcome that. Hopefully your wife has positive moments and some days that are better than others. Pay attention to when her anxiety level is low and take advantage of those times to talk about how to approach the affliction together and how you’re feeling about it. Also, those moments are when it’s especially important to build up your relationship in other ways that have nothing to do with anxiety so that you remain positively connected. Bringing up your feelings will definitely result in a few misfires that are poorly received, but over time you will both find the right path to navigate those tricky conversations. She will never see 100% of your sacrifice, but both of you need to understand the impact that anxiety has on each other and empathize with each other about it. There are conversational land mines in every one of these discussions, but the more you can align on fighting the disease together, the easier it will be to avoid them while still communicating effectively.
I pray that you two will find peace together. I will say that just from reading your perspective and thought processes, I’m confident that you’re well equipped to think through the right approach. Good luck and God bless.
Mike
Today, Dec 7th 2016, my wife has been having a lot of episodes lately and is has been getting to me. I’ve broken down a couple of times and this morning was one of them. I couldn’t take it any longer. I asked God to help Father me and show me what is the right things to do to be a better husband. This was a God send today. Thank you for taking the time to write and share your story. It has helped me.
One situation that my spouse cannot understand to my need to remove myself from difficult situations with as little ado as possible. If your partner is anxious and upset and asks to leave a situation, just support him of her and do what is asks. Do not tell them that they will make a scene, disappoint people, etc, if they leave. Make no excuses for them, just go. I know if I am forced to stay in a situation when I am having severe anxiety, I am no good to anyone and must seperate myself asap. Support your partner and recognize their need.
Excellent article.
Great post, up until the end…
God created anxiety and depression, faith is blind.
No, no He didn’t. But He will help us with it.
Thank you for the encouraging words! intelligence and experience mixed with faith and prayer. Reading the words of a true Man willing to walk through the depths of hell for the oath we not only made to our wife but our lord and savior has given me more than you will ever know brother and when I doubt my wife of 12 years and wonder if She has just grown to be irritated in me or unhappy or just despise me since I just can’t comprehend why things irritate her I will remember this and now understand and see now that by me being insecure and questioning our marriage in these times is absolutely selfish and my heart is so selfless when it comes to her is honestly pushing her to breakdown and cry and get so mad and says She can’t take it and pushes her to the point of being a physco when I turn there sometimes when finally crack cause the arguments in my mind are pointless and meaningless. But not anymore and I will grow and work endlessly on my marriage as I do my Faith in Jesus Christ. God Bless you and your family brother! Love you!
Thank you for this insightful post. I have been with my partner for 15 years and his anxiety has become a major problem within the past couple of years. It is like the third person in our relationship, trying to sabotage us on a daily basis!! I am trying really hard to cope with it and be patient but sometimes I am not strong enough and lose my cool. I feel like a terrible person but somehow manage to selfishly justify my actions as the injured party… this adds to the problem and I know he is suffering more than me but I just lash out in frustration and anger. I know I need to find the strength to stay level headed and support him but I also want him to try to take more action.. he has seen his GP and been diagnosed with GAD, he is on medication but it is not working well anymore. He has been considering his options for a while and I’m trying to be patient but it’s so frustrating to witness his decline when I know help is out there. I am not religious, however I am on my own personal journey of self development and want to live a positive, mindful, peaceful life but this is clashing with his growing bitterness and general hatred of everything!! I feel like I’m having to sacrifice my own journey to support his but he is static and immovable right now. He needs me to care for him often and I love him and try my best but sometimes I reach breaking point and my mindset switches to just wanting him to know how terrible this is for me to deal with… not helpful I know!!
Thank you for taking the time to write this post and being so honest, I feel better knowing others are dealing with similar issues in their relationship. I was able to identify from the list that I am doing the right things probably 70% of the time at least! Do you have any tips on how I can encourage him to seek help? This is the biggest bone of contention at the moment and what I find the most frustrating.. I know he has to find his own way in his own time but if i can some how encourage him to seek help other than from me I feel it will greatly benefit our situation and I won’t feel so isolated and responsible.
Thanks again, this really has been very helpful :)
Please any more insistir to dealing with a wife with anxiety. My patience is wearing thin.
“All I need to do is love my wife by striving to selflessly care for her every moment.”
This is bull. Loving doesn’t stop a person from drowning in their disease and it’s grossly unfair to tell people they can save their loved one or themselves.
This is a hurtful message.
I think the author forgot an incredibly important suggestion for anyone dealing with their spouse’s mental illness anxiety or depression or otherwise: self- care practices for the spouse of the person with mental illness.
The suggestions cannot ALL be about taking care of the spouse with anxiety (mental illness). This leads to disaster because the other spouse is not getting their needs met. I’m speaking from unfortunate experience.
I’m sure you have spoken to the needs of many in this article. However only focusing on the “sick one” will lead to a sick outcome. Make sure both spouses/partners are getting their needs met. This often requires marriage counseling.
Grace & Peace-Kelly
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This is a well-written, insightful article. As a wife, sister, aunt, and mother of those who suffer from pretty severe anxiety, I find this article helpful. As an ICU nurse and constant caregiver, I also agree with one other reader that taking care of one self is also essential. If you don’t you will A) initially not be able to hold your temper or feel as much empathy, but also B) eventually you will burn out. So ladies and gentlemen, like all good caregivers, learn to self-care and when to have hobbies and tings set aside just for you and your sanity. In the long run, it will benefit, not just you, but your loved-one as well.
This is a well-written, insightful article. As a wife, sister, aunt, and mother of those who suffer from pretty severe anxiety, I find this article helpful. As an ICU nurse and constant caregiver, I also agree with one other reader that taking care of one self is also essential. If you don’t you will A) initially not be able to hold your temper or feel as much empathy, but also B) eventually you will burn out. So ladies and gentlemen, like all good caregivers, learn to self-care and when to have hobbies and things set aside just for you and your sanity. In the long run, it will benefit, not just you, but your loved-one as well.
We’ve been married 11 years. We have 5 children. My husband is the one with anxiety. My parents were divorced and until recently I believed my job was to just take the abuse. While my husband is not intentionally abusive, his anxiety makes him mean, critical, self-absorbed. Combine that with uncontrolled blood sugar for moods and fatigue.
I have honestly lived out the list you wrote. My husband will even admit that I’ve been self-less. However he has sucked the life out of me.
He does virtually nothing to help himself. He went to counseling when I finally insisted but isn’t really committed.
While he has been the breadwinner, I have stayed home full time. I have had odd jobs to help but finances haven’t been that bad.
I do everything bc he is constantly too tired or stressed. If I insist on his help he is mean, critical or harsh with the kids.
I’m tired. I know I have to hold the boundary and insist he go to counseling but I’m exhausted.
Believe it or not he has a Master’s degree in Christian counseling. That was the very reason I ever spoke to him, I thought he was emotionally mature and honest. I was wrong. He knows a lot of good things but doesn’t implement them.
I have a support system who prays for me but they can’t fix it or relieve me.
I’ve decided to buckle down on the counseling requirement. But then what? What do I do when he neglects that bc he is too tired to go or has something else he’d rather do (he only has energy to do 1 or 2 things a day).
You are nearly detailing my experience, Heidi. The only solution for us was Zoloft for the anxiety. A general physician can prescribe it. My husband won’t go to counseling, but couldn’t avoid the medication because he had a complete and total meltdown, physically and psychologically, that almost landed him in the hospital. Can you get some counselling, and consider allowing him to “hit bottom?”
Heartfelt prayers,
Cristy
Thanks Cristy. Yes I’ve done years of counseling on my own. My homework is to stick to my guns and insist (since I tend to just suck it up when he makes demands).
I’m waiting for him to hit rock bottom. However, he takes me and the kids down with him you know? My oldest suffers from depression. All the kids mirror his habits in one way or another.
I used to be a cheerful person but I’m simply so overworked emotionally and physically I can’t do anything extra.
I’ve literally decided I will have to get a full time job in order to physically remove myself from being his resource for everything. It will also allow me financial independence since he isn’t willing to pay for 1 day/week childcare so I can get rest or focused work done.
My needs don’t exist. I used to not even realize I had needs. Now that I realize it’s human to need a nap or a day away from the kids, I have to lobby for it, justify it. And his needs always get met first. So while I finally got to pick the restaurant for date night not long ago, it wasn’t until after he yelled at me for not being on time – even though I have a 17, 10, 8, 4, 2, & 1 year old to care for and prep dinner for. Mind you, he now works from home, he *could* help – but his job is apparently too demanding.
I’m angry these days. I’ve given up on so many things. I just want relief. He hears me out for a while but after a day or two of modified behavior it’s back to same old.
I have asked him to take anxiety meds. He isn’t against them but just doesn’t follow through.
Yes, I know all those emotions and all that fatigue!
I think Kathy is right, you may need to press going to counseling together. We are fortunate that the doctor who took my after hours call pressed my husband to sign a release to allow me to be informed. He checks me when things seems “off” … I also see the same doctor now!
Mostly, though, I wish you to know that you aren’t alone, Heidi. Whether things stay the same or go back to the h*ll it was before meds, I know that God sees me, and doesn’t leave me. He is very much aware of this situation, dear. Email me, if you like. I will pray for you and your family. cristysoh
(at)
Gmail (dot) com
I would suggest you going to therapy with him so that the therapist knows both sides of the story. Going with him might encourage him to be consistent. He will always have an excuse. James Dobson a Christian writer has suggested that sometimes you have to separate in order for the spouse to see the seriousness of the situation. Not divorced, but just a trial separation. That had happened in our case and it helped. I am a psychotherapist and my husband suffers from extreme debilitating anxiety. It is actually emotional abuse the way they use their anger towards us. I had to tell my husband face-to-face and sternly that he needed to go to counseling, as well as sign a release of information so I can contact the counselor to make sure he’s on target. This has been happening and he continues to go. I would also suggest that you go to counseling as well. Although you have a good support system, sometimes it helps to have someone objective that specializes in anxiety to give you guidance and direction. I do this as well.
Since our son was born, my husband has suffered from anxiety and depression. This makes it sound so simplistic! He was my rock, a resilient, loveable joker. He’s become something so different. After he hit rock bottom, the anxiety was too overwhelming for him and I had to move back to my parents. Despite feeling as though my world was falling apart, we’ve worked hard on gradual, manageable steps for us (my son and I) to move back into the house. It was ridiculously intense and painful, but over the past year we started with spending an hour together, then two, then three, etc. Then I stayed over one night, we spent an afternoon with my son…etc. Last month we had reached a point where the anxiety had lessened and my son and I were spending 1-2 nights at our home. We we moving forward.
Unfortunately he’s had a low, and now he’s struggling to see me or our son again. I feel like my energy has been drained, that I’m losing patience, that I’m trapped! I feel like I can’t tell my husband, because he’ll fall apart. Im trying to do what I did before, because it was working (albeit slowly!). I say “take the pressure off yourself”, “there’s no rush, we’ll get there”, “it will pass”. But I don’t know how I can keep going. I spend the majority of the day in the car travelling from my parents, to nursery, to work, to nursery, to my parents , to my house to see my husband and back to my parents. I’m exhausted! And all it takes Is for him to say, “I’m not feeling great at the minute”, for me to feel lost, alone and desperate. Oh, and frustrated. So frustrated that I just want to scream or sob.
I have support and understanding from my parents. But everyone else around me keeps asking “Why don’t you just say to him, I’m moving back?”. It sounds so straightforward. At my lowest points, I think, yes, I should. We should try and manage the anxiety and panic attacks, with me and our son there. But if he can’t even manage us staying for one night, the very suggestion that I need to come home might break him.
How do I keep going?
I learned a long time ago as a therapist, that when I come out of a session exhausted, stressed and struggling with my own emotions, it’s because I’m doing all the work and the client, in our cases our husbands, is doing nothing. Although I don’ know you’re particular situation enough to make a suggestion, what appears is that your husband is doing minimal to help his situation and you are doing all the work. Self-care for us is VERY important because if we don’t, the end result for us is not good. In your case, you have small child and that child needs consistency and normalcy as much as possible. I would suggest that your husband move out and you move back in and take control of your home. Therefore, giving you and your son some stability. Right now your husband has all comforts of home without making any efforts for you and your son or himself. No responsibility, who wouldn’t want to live like that. I don’t mean any disrespect, but when we rescue our spouses, it doesn’t teach them anything. I have learned to let my husband struggle with the consequences of his anxiety actions. He would take one small thing out of context, develop an irrational story around it and “worst case scenario it” and live in that story. I would try to use fact, logic and reason to help him see how his story is causing the anxiety, but it would just cause more outbursts, anger and catasophrizing on his part. Therefore, I would be depleted, he would blame me and try to make me apologize and I would come out defeated, and he would move on to the next thing. My profession is to help, but in his case, I’ve learned to just listen, make a small suggestion but NOT engage, and walk away. If we have medical bills because “he thinks he’s dying of a heart attack”, (we have one to two trips to the hospital each year), I make him deal with the bills and see how our money is depleting because of his medical issues. I informed his parents and one of his adult children and my brothers and a few very close friends with what’s going on so they are informed if he calls them. I inform his therapist. He refuses medication, but did agree to valium to take in an emergency when he thinks he’s dying of a heart attack. I no longer have to do this by myself. Any I go to therapy, have plenty of alone time to pray, have time with friends/family, and try to exercise and eat right (not yet tackled this one yet ;-) ), I hope this helps!
Hi Kathy,
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. I’m in a marginally better place than when I wrote my comment, a week ago. This is the problem; my resiliency wavers. I am a psychologist who spends time working with students who are experiencing anxiety-related non-attendance. Sometimes this helps, other times it hinders my situation. Unfortunately it is not as straight forward as going home. For me, I lose my support system – my Mum and Dad and at the moment I’m not sure I could cope on my own. Although it sounds chaotic, my son does receive consistency. I feared the implications and I remain anxious about his needs (I also do work around the attachment framework). But he receives love, warmth and security from my family and I. He shares smiles and laughs with his Daddy. For most, it’s the quantity of time that’s missing, not the quality. I might be skewed and biased but it feels as though my husband is working so incredibly hard. Every day is a challenge. He manages work, just. He tries to support his Mum (who is having treatment for cancer). I can see how much it is hurting him, how much he wants to be better and how much he wants to tell me to come home. I’ve never been on the receiving end of his anger or frustration. We don’t argue about his anxieties, because he still struggles to verbalise them. They’re more general, like a feeling of being overwhelmed. He describes life like watching a film while it’s streaming, and he can never watch it for long before it starts buffering again. Like he’s trying to keep up with a world that’s moving too fast, spinning too many plates. Although I don’t get the anger, I do get forgotten about. He becomes more self absorbed in his emotive world. He forgets how much his words or actions may impinge on my feelings. But I guess I’ve also learnt to hide them, because he’s more vulnerable than I am. If I break down, he breaks down. We come to a standstill.
We’ve had to build up our time so slowly. I had to be careful with pushing to hard, otherwise he would crumble and we had to start all over again. It feels so fragile. He went to counselling for 5 months last year. It really helped, but the counsellor suggested that he had a break to go it alone, and he’s reluctant to return. It’s because things have moved forward. He has seemed better. The patient, understanding, no pressure approach was working. My problem is that we’ve taken a backward step and I’m petrified of it going back further. This has already taken a little under a year. I’m worried that my frustration is going to ruin the work we’ve both put into this.
I need him to be able to cope with his anxieties and low mood, while my son and I are living at home. That’s what I need.
I can understand people saying, just go home. Everyone says it to me! I try and reach out to talk to friends and family, and they just don’t understand. The usual response is “What would happen if you just turned up and said that you’re staying?”. I usually reply and say I don’t know. But honestly, I think he would run. But I’m not sure where he would go. His family don’t understand mental health. They judge, get angry and mount on the pressure. My fear is that he would rent somewhere else (not sure about how this would be financed) and without the security of home and sense that he is in control, he would get lower and lower. This may time with his Mum passing away (it’s terminal). He may not cope with going to work (which has given him a purpose and routine), see people less and less…….and I don’t need to write the worse case scenario.
So…..I guess, I feel that even the current scenario is better than the one described above.
I need to get some strength from somewhere, because I don’t think it’s going to be an early road ahead.
This post quite literally saved my marriage. I was never exposed to anxiety growing up, and my wife and I actually went years without learning what it was that was making this so tough for us. Even after that point, I struggled to understand it and accept it. I couldn’t relate or figure out how to help her. I read this post this morning and the light bulb went on, and everything clicked for me. I immediately purchased your book for her and set goals to incorporate the article into my daily efforts. God bless you both. My heart is full of gratitude, and now I know how to think and what to do to help my bride of 10 years.
This article was the most helpful thing I’ve seen on the internet. Other blogs are advising the spouse to be a therapist, which I am certainly not qualified nor willing to do.
The things that resonated with the most in the post and comments are the fine line between being soft and getting tough with your spouse and knowing when either is appropriate. Also, the research is divided: is it a disease or a behavioral problem?
My husband has suffered from anxiety for 20 years. In my worst moments, I blame him and tell him to figure his shit out. In my best moments, I encourage him, pray for him and love him. Right now I’m in the former phase, where our lives are so busy with two teenagers, my business, his work, that frankly I don’t have energy for his problems. It’s all on me right now, as it is most of the time.
Another issue I have is respect for him. He seems so weak it’s hard to see him as a man. He can’t make decisions or waffles on the path that he’s decided to take. He’s inconsistent with the kids and gives me no help with discipline because he doesn’t like conflict. Either that or he tries to step in and gets very angry and mean. So I’m either enforcing the discipline in spite of protests from kids AND husband, or I’m stepping in and shielding them from bad parenting.
He gets easily overwhelmed with our lives so I protect him by taking on things myself, yet he still comments that things are crazy and out of hand. Most of the time, I do things alone: backpacking, traveling, going out with friends. Sometimes he insists that he wants to go, but then he’s distant, odd, distracted and socially awkward and I worry so much about his mental state or try so hard to cover for his oddness that it takes away from my enjoyment.
I could go on and on but I just wanted to thank you. It’s helpful to know that I’m not alone, and that I don’t have to be a saint. But, I will try harder.
My wife and I have a 2 year old son. Her anxiety and depression really started getting bad after he was born and seems to be getting worse over time. I always believed that empathy is true love. I try to empathize when she has these attacks. No matter what I do, it’s not the right thing. She tells me that she just wants to be comforted but when I try she says that I don’t understand. She says she wants me to tell her that it’s gonna be alright but when I say this she yells at me and says it’s not. She takes mess for the anxiety but it seems like she needs more doses as time goes on. It’s so bad that my anxiety is getting worse and I feel as though there is nothing I can do. All I want is for my son to grow up in a loving family but this disease is ripping it apart. I have prayed and talked to family but I just don’t have the answer.
I want to thank you for this post , my partner suffers from anxiety disorder and it’s been really hard to cope with it , I feel like everytime it get harder and harder but I read this and it makes me feel like I’m not alone and it gives me hope for my relationship so thank you !
I am also encouraged Natasia after reading all these responses. We are not alone and anxiety seems to be more common than I thought. Stay strong.
I loved the read in this article. I am dealing with a very similar situation and I loved how sensible you wrote and reminded me how to love my wife despite everything. Thanks a million.
I found this blog very encouraging. For years now I have been pushing myself away from stressful spousal situations due to his anxiety, panic attacks and depression. My husband just recently started seeing a therapist and also takes several medications for his depression, anxiety, blood pressure and restless leg syndrome and his insomnia. He is definitely a challenged patient. I am trying to help him with his weekly assignments from his therapist without feeling like I am on a bucket list. I often feel helpless, uncaring and at a loss for how I should be acting. Sometimes I don’t feel he tries hard enough. Maybe it’s time for me to get my own therapist. We have overcome many past problems in our relationship so I think we can handle this although I see him slowing down and know I can’t carry all the bills so I’m a bit anxious myself at times. I also think he is on way too many medications and feel they may somehow contributing to his depression and anxiety rather than helping. In what direction can I go to get more information on this subject. Thank you for your inspirations and hopefulness.
Do you or your readers have any suggestions for helpful reading materials that help define anxiety disorders?
In regards to medications, my husband’s Psychiatrist insisted that he do what’s called a Medical DNA swab testim which he provided during one of his sessions. Our insurance covered it and what I’m understanding now is some insurances will allow one test in a lifetime. These test will determine what medications will work best with that person’s DNA system and will help the Psychiatrist narrow it down. Now that’s if you have a good psychiatrist or general practitioner because most doctors get kickbacks from these medications.
Just read your article. I will celebrate 31 years of marriage in a few weeks! Yeah, us! The Lord continues to lead and has me considering many truths these days. I have been retired for 2 years. Yes, when you retire your marriage is put back to “front and center”. Atleast for me it is this way. When I was teaching in the classroom it was all I could do to survive my last 4 years with an insecure boss, who saw my self assurance as a reason to feel threatened. I can’t tell you how many times I asked myself “where did that come from?”, or, “doesn’t she have anything better to do than micro-manage my student book orders?”…I know, sounds crazy! And that’s how I felt until I put the pieces together and took the opportunity to retire early as the only good option was to get completely out of the system.
Leaving a life I had known for 28 years proved to be more challenging than I thought. There were many days of journaling and praying. Finally and exit interview with HR, allowed me the closure I needed to move forward. But unfortunately for me “moving forward” also meant moving into my most significant relationship with a spouse that never saw the necessity of bringing a counselor into his over the top anxious and ocd ways. In fact, he stumbled across the fact that he was fighting adhd through a series of attempts to comprehend dense reading material for a class he was taking.
As for me, being an educator, this discovery answered a lot of questions, but not all of them. And so I kept searching. Only to discover the realization that I had been raised by a narcissistic mother and therefor had married a narcissistic man. Filtering everything through the lens of “I”, “look what you did to me”, “but what about me?” and “where is my dinner?” And honestly, the realization that I was dealing with a person that had NPD, brought the clarity I had been searching for, for so many years. Why did he criticize me so much? How come everything has a negative or pessimistic slant to it? Why is he so easily angered and trigger happy? and finally, why doesen’t he ever apologize?
That said, I am a hopeless optimist! I have many empathic characteristics and traits. I exude calmness and centeredness and I rely each and every day on my guardian angel, the arch angels, the holy souls in purgatory, my mother Mary and the Holy Trinity for guidance, help and healing, each and every day. My first year of retirement was “the year of healing” and the seconding year of retirement has been “the year of loving”.
Coming to the realization of my marriage took a long time. Learning to navigate the ultra complexing circumstances will take faith and patience. I know God will continue to lead and support. Thank you for your blog and your writing.
My Bf and I split up over two years ago and I was searching for help in the internet, I tried many different spells from almost every place locally as well as online and none of them worked, I almost gave up hope because I thought i will never see my lover again forever, before he left me, we were planing to get married in the future but all of a sudden he broke up from me until one day i saw some testimony about this powerful spell caster Dr.Mack i emailed him and i asked him to help me bring back my lover and he did a Retrieve A Lover Spell for me And after some days of casting of his spell, my lover came back to me, I’d like to say that i got a positive result from dr_mack@yahoo. com, ever since i used his love spell, my boyfriend have learned to appreciate me more and more day by day, and he doesn’t take me for granted.
Good God ! It Looks Everywhere. My God ! What is it? Quite Dangerous Disease ! A Disease which makes life hell! I personally going through it from the very first year of my married life.Since then “Year of marriage updated. But – as you quoted – “Sometimes [In My Case Every time] I am the worst person on earth [ Ooops might say on UNIVERSE]. and If God is looking at me, I am the best person ever on the earth.[That’s my way to make me confident.]
Really Heart-Wrenching. Why we are married ? To have some extra happiness of being together? It seems no-one will be free from this issue in the marriage either before or after.
I am superb in reading and implementation and nearly applied thousands of ways like all others in the comments to cope with it.But it remains same.
Conclusions of Mine:
1. As being a spouse of anxious one, You will only get rid of it after your death.So till that day, you live every moment with it.Its virus. Being optimistic means just a false satisfactory argument you are putting to make yourself happy for some time.So honesty is the best policy. Actually the solution resides in anxious one’s hand. God helps those, who helps themselves.
2. There is no solution perfect except only God’s takes care of your life.I think you must focus on your good deeds as well as only inside prayers.You are actually finished in that way.It’s the way it is.
3. One of my friend said, there is a wire in the brain of your spouse just loosed, will shake your world.[LOL but actually its truth my dears] You all please just don’t try to remove it from life, its actually part of life.So keep it, don’t even try to hack out of it, just try to hack with it to maintain it.No over pleasing, over-caring (it will convert them in narcissist) and Not being over rough (Just for your sake – since only you will have to pay it again next time.)
4. It seems modern lifestyle causes these things more worsen.So try to get some old good stuff.such as experiences in nice places to visit and ready romantic breakfast-lunch-dinner and sex.That’s actually life for them to keep them happy.and not without you, just with you.you like now with them or not.Its a Gift you have to bear.
5. Forget everything except your inside happiness.Here in our dharma – Lord Krishna said something in sanskrit – which translates to – “Do your work without thinking about the fruits of it” which seems suitable for this kind of situation.Due to this philosophy you only belongs to God, no spouse is not something to expect.Just take care of your duties about the life. Get some party time on earth and go back to God who have send you to visit the planet for some time.Now its upon your karma that you can or not.
6. Always take care of your children, since those who suffers the worse then you. Since you give them birth and your parents gave you the life.Its the primary duty to take care of them.Just live for them.
7. Seventh Thumb Rule – You are BORN to rise, Not Fall. So make this happen.You can take control of it.Everyone is part of the universe so as powerful as this one. Raise Yourself Up, High, Near GOD. Nothing is wrong or right. Everything is wrong or right depends on your grown up culture.So do what makes you happy. If someone is happy with that thing its good.Give them chance to join.If they cant simply they have not destined for.
Sorry for long text. But it’s my soul who caused pain by looking so many persons problem where sick one is not suffering so much than other one.Cheer Up Brothers and Sisters.That’s why its called life. After death it’s why called – Rest in Peace.
May God Remove This factor from all of ourselves life with immediate effect.
Ameen.
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My boyfriend has anxiety and depression he lives 2 hours away so it’s kind of hard to drive one way or another. we want to see each other more and talk about it but when we get three days away he backs out. the first time we saw each other it was great and he teased me a little bit which was surprised me but I enjoyed it then he had to fly out 3 hours later and we haven’t seen each other since that night it’s been a month and yes we do Snapchat but I need to see him again in person. so how do I go about this??
My wife has had anxiety for our whole 29 year marriage, along with several other issues, the anxiety is extreme and severe now, it is only aimed at me, I’m at the end if my rope. Help
Thank you and God bless you! My husband and I will be married 25 years in April . And together we just came to understand what his problem has been. Our faith and trust in God has saved us by His grace we have been saved. Thank you for your beautiful writings and tips.
The beautiful gift of the sacrament of marriage has been a blessing. We pray together everyday. God has guided us and blessed us with His love for us and each other!
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I’m in the same sort of situation with my husband. I do not suffer from anxiety or depression. He does and it seems to be getting worse. His primarily circles around his 2 daughters. Their mom is in a relationship now and he feels he’s loosing them to this man. Which is not the case at all. I cannot get him to see it any other way. Which in turns causes me frustration. We’ve had some serious fights in the last 6 months and words were said I can’t get over quite yet. I’m working on showing empathy as you stated but was met with rejection. He continues to shut me out because I’ve been frustrated in the past. How do we get passed this? Do I just keep trying? I feel as though I’ve lost him.
I from United State,i want to share my wonderful testimony on how i got back my ex-lover who left me 3 MONTHS AGO,i want to inform people in the world this spell caster is very Genuine because i have been scammed before online until a friend told me about Dr.Mack, He is a great powerful man, He helped me recently to reunite my relationship with my boyfriend, When i contacted Dr.Mack, he cast a love spell for me and my boyfriend who said he doesn’t have anything to do with me again called me and started begging me.To anyone who is reading this testimony and needs any help should contact Dr.Mack, he can also offer any types of help like Reuniting of marriage and relationship, You can contact Dr.Mack Via this email: [ dr_mack@ yahoo. com ]
I have been with my wife for ten years now and I am finally putting myself in her shoes. Yet it is very difficult because we think so differently about certain subjects. I am getting better ad we go but I dont know what to do a lot of the times except clam up and try to listen to the “complaining” it seems I can’t do anything right and its my fault when its not. I’m learning to not take it that way but its hard. The yelling I have no clue what to do. She can tell and say what she wants but I get to say nothing and I have to live with that? Doesnt seem right. I give and give and give and get very little in return. She tells me all I want is sex and that is not the case when I say I want more affection from her. I would like to feel like I am appreciated and wanted but instead get pushed aside or mad at. We also have twin two year old boys and I know that’s hard on her being a stay at home mom. They are very clingy to her,which she does to herself, then when I get home from work she’s all worked up and hands them off to me so she can get a break…fine no problem but when everything is taken care of she doesn’t want me. This is getting worst. I feel like I’m not getting anything in return once again. I know how women are and we as men give more than they do and take everything but “what about me” I’m chopped liver. I don’t know what to do. In there for her and she knows that but she can get mad and yell and I can do nothing. Not right.
Thank you for your advice and background info too! I’m a newbie learning about my wife’s (6 months married) struggle with anxiety and fibromyalgia and feel I’m the worst husband in the world after several selfish actions on my part! Very encouraging words and advice!
Relationship anxiety is common and normal also as if you care for something you should be worried about that. Thank you for sharing such tips as it going to help several couples.
I saw the post of a woman on how Dr Mack helped them in bring back her lover, i decided to contact Dr MACK ,Then i told him how my husband tried divorcing me and am gonna be loosing a lot from that, He only told me to smile trice and asked me to fill a form, i Submitted it and he gave me the assurance of 24hrs, to my surprise its was just 18hrs, and Tony my husband came home telling me, why on earth would i have to misunderstood him always and said he is very sorry and promised we aint gonna divorce, my Joy was restored and i called Dr MACK to tell him but he said he already knew about it that all i should do is to tell friends and people to contact him with any kind of problem that his gods have solutions, Friends i can swear by anything that Dr MACK is a man you can trust contact him for help and he is trustworthy. Here his is private mail dr_mack@ yahoo. com …Whitney
Your tips were helpful. I read it with my spouse
Dr. Bach’s flower tincture Rescue Remedy has been a lifesaver for both my husband and I. We both have type “A” blood and prone to food and additive sensitivities. Especially sugar substitutes. I thank God every day that my friend and MFCC told me about Rescue Remedy.
This article literally had me in tears. Thanks so much for sharing!
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This is the most relatable artical I’ve read when it comes to being in a couple. I got diagnosed with anixity and depressiom 5 months after my first baby was born. Thought it was baby blues, take the meds and ill stsrt to feel better again. Turns out a person caused mine at my vunerable time. Now she is my biggest trigger. 2 years on i began to feel strong enough not to be on meds but my gosh the rollercoaster of emotion rush came with a bang and i felt my husband did not know what was coming. Sent him this article. Fingers crossed he reads it. Thanks guys for recognising it can affect your marriage but does not have too.
Thank you for writing this. My husband has been struggling for 9 very long months now and I’ve finally started looking for help in how I can support my husband best without spiraling myself. 100% of this article applies to me and I will be trying all of the tips. It’s heart wrenching to watch someone you love go through this, feeling so helpless, and just as hard to hate yourself for the resentment you try to suppress that you know shouldn’t be there. Just to know I’m not alone and that people come out on the other side gives me hope. Thanks again
Good tips and info from and for the other side.
The “If I ever want to achieve my goal of spending over 80% of my life in love with Jenna, I need to do two things:
Invest in our relationship
Drink three High Life’s per day” is a bit unsettling though. I don’t think there’s a problem with light drinking to relax but saying you “need” three beers a day to stay with your wife is either a poor excuse for what you’d probably do because of life’s stressors anyway and an insult to your wife, or just worded wrong. I’m hoping for the latter.
My fiancé Mike, and I wish you both the best as we travel parallel paths.
My Name is franklin ..I never believed in Love Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster when i contact this man called Drmamudu47@gmail. com Execute some business..He is really powerful..My wife divorce me with no reason for almost 2 years and i tried all i could to have her back cos i really love her so much but all my effort did not work out.. we met at our early age at the college and we both have feelings for each other and we got married happily for 5 years with no kid and she woke up one morning and she told me she’s going on a divorce..i thought it was a joke and when she came back from work she tender to me a divorce letter and she packed all her loads from my house..i ran mad and i tried all i could to have her back but all did not work out..i was lonely for almost 2 years…So when i told the spell caster what happened he said he will help me and he asked for her full name and her picture..i gave him that..At first i was skeptical but i gave it a try cos have tried so many spell casters and there is no solution…so when he finished with the readings,he got back to me that she’s with a man and that man is the reason why she left me…The spell caster said he will help me with a spell that will surely bring her back.but i never believe all this…he told me i will see a positive result within 2 days..2 days later,she called me herself and came to me apologizing and she told me she will come back to me..I cant believe this,it was like a dream cos i never believe this will work out after trying many spell casters and there is no solution..The spell caster is so powerful and after that he helped me with a pregnancy spell and my wife got pregnant a month later..we are now happy been together again and with lovely kid..This spell caster has really changed my life and i will forever thankful to him..he has helped many friends too with similar problem too and they are happy and thankful to him..This man is indeed the most powerful spell caster have ever experienced in life..Am Posting this to the Forum in case there is anyone who has similar problem and still looking for a way out..you can reach him here: Drmamudu47@gmail. com CONTACT THIS GREAT AND POWERFUL SPELL CASTER CALLED PAPA Word … HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS:: Drmamudu47gmail. com CONTACT HIM NOW AND BE FAST ABOUT IT SO HE CAN ALSO ATTEND TO YOU BECAUSE THE EARLIER YOU CONTACT HIM NOW THE BETTER FOR YOU TO GET QUICK SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS…
I loved this post! There is so much empathy, mutual understanding, honesty, love, and patience, all the attributes needed for a perfect marriage. I am sure your wife is blessed to have you and so are to have her. With such understanding, I am sure she is all equipped to deal with the anxiety in a better manner.
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Very helpful and encouraging. My husband has anxiety. Now it is focused on his health—he has most of the symptoms of Illness Anxiety Disorder. We are Christians, so that helps. Your Dad’s advice, “This is what God has called me to do,” helps me to accept what I cannot change. Ironically, or maybe it was foreordained, I am a retired school counselor, so I have skills, but I need God’s help to be patient, etc.
Love your writing style! I can relate to your failures! God help us all!
Can I simply just say what a relief to find somebody who truly understands what they’re talking about on the web. You definitely understand how to bring a problem to light and make it important. More and more people need to check this out and understand this side of your story. I can’t believe you’re not more popular given that you surely possess the gift.|
Sometimes it is just nice to see I am not the only one dealing with this stuff. Thanks for your thoughts. It reinforces my own. I met my wife of 43 years 50 years ago. She only just developed this high level of anxiety in March 2020 so the blessing is that I had 43 good years beforehand. Unfortunately, her problems essentially are shutting off all of my/our social life and everything we previously liked to do together (Jeeping, etc.)- which is really the worst part. Being a Christian I also see this as something that God has got and it is for our good and His glory.
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Many people face anxiety disorders for many reasons, and as they grow older, it becomes more severe. The person who wrote this post is such a nice person that having a spouse with anxiety issues could be tricky, but they fought well. Procrastination could be one of the reasons for anxiety disorders, and Virtue Map has an excellent anti-procrastination program to help you get rid of these issues and have a happy and stable life. You must try that!
The site has been an absolute blessing for me and I will submit my comments later. It is a long convoluted story probably much like other’s life journeys…….
I don’t know how to comment on this. Except to say that it’s a beautiful article. I could say much more because I have been married for 52 yrs. Yes. 52 yrs to a man with this disorder. It really doesn’t get easier or less lonely, but if you are committed to your marriage vows it’s workable and livable. Especially if your spouse recognizes the problem, gets therapy and meds. (Took mine 25 yrs) but he did it on his own. The last 27 yrs has been much better but you will always feel somewhat lonely. You will not live happily ever after. But you will live satisfied that you are loved deeply by someone who doesn’t know exactly how to love you back.