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10 Tips for When Your Spouse Has an Anxiety Disorder

August 24, 2015 By Jenna 122 Comments

Ha. I did NOT write this post. I would call myself an expert on coping with anxiety, but being a spouse of someone with a disorder? That is ALL Mike. And he’s rill good at it too. So, he is here today with 10 Tips for When Your Spouse Has an Anxiety Disorder. He wrote it from the perspective of a husband, but his thoughts and advice are totally legit for anyone who cares for someone with anxiety. Also, he’s an engineer. 

10 Tips for When Your Spouse Has an Anxiety Disorder

You want to help your spouse and offer anxiety relief, but you just don’t know how. And, honestly, you’re getting frustrated. Help your sig-o along with your marriage by following these 10 tips. Written by a husband whose wife deals with a severe panic and anxiety disorder. So helpful and practical. This is romance.

Introductory Argument

Jenna and I recently had an argument. The point of the argument is lost to me, but I remember it consisted of me hitting a breaking point over an expectation difference that was derived from something Jenna was worried about. Like any reasonable person, I responded by entering say-mean-things-mode, which quickly escalated into a full blown altercation. Don’t worry though, we worked it out and ended with these highly encouraging words for each other:

Mike: I will try to be less mean when I think you’re being crazy

Jenna: I’ll try to remember you’re a human

Surprisingly, neither of those statements contains even an ounce of sarcasm. The root cause of the escalation was that I was unable to support Jenna during a moment of anxiety, and Jenna was unable to support me when I (very poorly) expressed some emotion. This is why we suck.

Here is another pointed exchange that further highlights some fundamental differences in our thought processes:

Jenna: I am so worried about norovirus because there is nothing I can do about it…

Mike: …which is why you shouldn’t worry about it

Jenna: we see things differently.

Anyway, the reason that I bring these conversations up is because they are both related to something that affects our marriage on a daily basis: anxiety.

Really Boring Background Context

This is my 8th year of being with Jenna. That’s almost 30% of my life. If I ever want to achieve my goal of spending over 80% of my life in love with Jenna, I need to do two things:

  1. Invest in our relationship
  2. Drink three High Life’s per day

The second thing is very straightforward, so I’ll focus my thoughts on the first. I need to invest in my relationship with my wife. That investment has many different facets such as spending time together, praying for each other, spending time away from each other, understanding each other, and hundreds of other things. One of the most critical aspects of this investment is the understanding and the subsequent actions that should align to said understanding.

My wife suffers from an anxiety disorder, and I need to understand it so that I can support her. Throughout her life, she has weathered many different waves of high and low anxiety. Sometimes it manifests as paralyzing panic attacks. Other times it’s just a subtle tone that I pick up in her voice. Sometimes it’s imperceptible to me, but I know she still feels it on some level. A lot of this anxiety can be assigned to identifiable triggers, but not all of it. It’s difficult to predict. It is self-perpetuating. It has an absurd stigma associated with it. Some waves come weekly. Other waves come monthly or yearly. Some waves barely rock the boat. Other waves capsize us and leave us clinging on to a shred of wood gasping for air and grasping for life. Anxiety is not fun for anyone involved. Despite all that, Jenna does a fantastic job of managing her anxiety. She has sought help from every possible avenue, and made huge strides in combating this affliction. I could not be more proud of her for that. I need to do my part to understand Jenna’s anxiety so that I can react appropriately to it.

Sometimes I’m the Worst Person Ever

Let’s talk about how to react inappropriately to anxiety. My frequent crier card is loaded with thousands of points that I continue to rack up when I respond to Jenna’s anxiety poorly.

In any marriage, there will be tiffs, problems, arguments and major crises. Anxiety can not only increase the frequency of those issues, but it also adds a layer of complexity to each of them.

Sometimes, instead of being courageous and approaching these issues with ninja-like tact, I take the lazy road and shut down. I react by shutting off my emotions as opposed to dealing with them. It’s like I’m trying to do the right thing by not exploding with frustration, but I’m doing it without total buy-in. Instead of being happily empathetic, I may just bite my tongue and silently add a weight to the wrong side of the resentment scale. As that scale builds up and starts to become lopsided, my patience evaporates. My kindness disappears. My understanding and forgiveness fade to the level of Ebenezer Scrooge.

I know you’re thinking I’m a model husband at this point, but this isn’t even the best part. The best (read: worst) part is when I finally hit the breaking point and spew all this crap out like Mother Nature when she’s feeling particularly destructive. This is the wrong way to handle anxiety. The great hilarity of an excessively negative emotional response to someone else’s anxiety is that it makes me the same as that person. I can’t handle your emotions so I’m going to react with even more ridiculous emotions. This reaction and any others like it are just plain selfish. Since selfish is the opposite of selfless and selfless is the same as love, that makes my selfish reaction the opposite of love (transitive property, baby). If I truly love my wife, I will not only understand her feelings, but I will feel, think and act selflessly towards her every day.

It’s Not a Tumor! (but it is a disease)

So, I’m not a doctor, but I do know that anxiety is a disease that affects people both mentally and physically. I have witnessed its work enough to see that it is not simply a lack of effort on an individual’s part. The unfortunate thing about anxiety is that its observable symptoms overlap with many actions that are also related to poor behavior. If someone has cancer, you’re going to cut them all kinds of slack (as you should!!!) and you’re going to sacrifice a lot to make sure you care for them. One of my biggest struggles with anxiety is in trying to find the line where I need to hold my wife accountable for stuff vs. sympathizing with her plight and pouring on the extra care. Part of what makes our marriage successful is that we have high standards for each other. Jenna helps me when I drift astray, and I do the same for her. It’s just a little more complicated when anxiety is part of that equation. When I put a lot of thought into how I should act in these situations, my brain is continually drawn towards a couple simple conclusions:

  • Disease or no, it’s never my place to judge my wife. She could write an entire book about my ACTUAL shortcomings that aren’t linked to any disease other than my ineptitude.
  • All I need to do is love my wife by striving to selflessly care for her every moment.

These conclusions remind me that while everyone does need a kick in the pants sometimes, if I’m unsure about how to react to something I should err on the side of empathy.

In Sickness and In Health

I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I wonder if people would ever get married if they truly understood that promise. When you’re standing on the altar, the last thing from your mind is the absolute guarantee that you and your wife will have to endure absolutely insane challenges together. During those challenges you tend to think “well THIS is not what I signed up for” or “challenges? Sure, but that certainly doesn’t apply to a situation of this magnitude!” Those colossal issues are exactly what the vow is about. It’s amazing how the words “I DO” flow out so quickly and easily, and with them we seal the entirety of our future life on a sentence that takes six seconds to speak and two seconds to forget. I like to think back on that moment in my life and remember that however difficult a situation is, I most definitely signed up for that and more. You can choose to see big challenges as a way to grow closer to your wife, or as a way to drive you apart.

I mentioned earlier that we need to recognize anxiety as a disease and care for individuals who suffer from it. That is still true, and it is still helpful for me to remind my weak self of that, but I actually believe that there is a deeper, more beautiful, and more profoundly logical way to look at it.

Several years ago I learned an invaluable lesson from my father-in-law. It was during the time when his wife was suffering from cancer. The younger me struggled to see how he could support someone through one of the most frightening and demanding situations in life with such compassion, with such consistency, and with such a positive attitude. Dan’s approach was really quite simple. He told me that he would be perfectly happy to serve his wife every day like this until the day he died if he had to because this was the work that God had given him. His mission was directly in front of him and he knew what to do. It was pure selflessness and it was amazing.

That leads me to the deeper thought, which is tied to the root of Christianity. God sent a piece of himself, his own son, to serve a broken and thankless human race. In doing so he taught us how to love, and freed us from the drudge of selfishness and hate. Each of us has trials in our lives. Our primary mission is to conquer those trials with love every single day. That’s pretty much it.

Finally! A List of Ten Reasonable Suggestions

It was a struggle for me to not make this whole dissertation one long bulleted list (if you’re wondering, it at least started as one). Here’s a quick summary of things that have worked for me in dealing with my wife’s anxiety:

  1. Most anxiety swirls around the lack of hope and confidence. Focus on building hope and growing confidence in your wife. I can’t stress this one enough.
  2. Write down a list of what helps your wife get through an anxious situation. Constantly remind her of this helpful process when she needs it most.
  3. Put problems into perspective. If something minor is causing the anxiety, talk through the details in a real context to prove that everything is going to be OK.
  4. Track major improvements and examples of overcoming anxiety. Pay attention to when your wife actually feels good, and recognize those moments emphatically.
  5. Know when to push and when to comfort. This is so tricky to do but you get better at it with time.
  6. Lighten the mood. Stay positive. Crack some jokes.
  7. Help identify anxiety triggers, and help minimize them once you know what they are.
  8. Be honest about your own feelings with your wife. You have to do this nicely, but it helps to prevent resentment from building up.
  9. Join a prayer group. Having a wife with anxiety can take a toll on you. My men’s group bolsters my faith, which in turn gives me the strength to support her.
  10. Be openminded about all kinds of treatments. It’s a difficult choice to take medication or seek therapy for anxiety, but it might be the right choice. Forget about the stigma and focus on what’s best for your wife.

For my parting thought, I’ll leave you with some words from Confucius: a sword tempers under heat and pressure. A noodle softens and becomes inedible mush. Which will you choose to be, a magnificent weapon or stupid mush?

Thank you for reading 10 Tips for When Your Spouse Has an Anxiety Disorder. Pass it along to someone who might be able to use it. Or Pin It for later xx

My Book

If you are looking for further help with your anxiety, please check out my book 30 Days to Calm. It is a journal that will take you on a month long journey through creating a toolbox for coping with and battling anxiety and panic disorders.

30 Days to Calm: Create Your Own Anxiety Toolbox

 

 

***There are so many wonderful, uplifting, heart-wrenching, and important comments on this post. While you may not see our replies in the combox, please be assured that Mike and I are responding via email to all of you!***

Filed Under: Anxiety, My Friends, Guest Posts, The Husband

Gift from the Sea

June 25, 2014 By Jenna 11 Comments

Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh (affiliate) is on my reading list. My short list. A friend posted this excerpt from it de udder day, and it just touched me, ya know?

“When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity – in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.

The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits – islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides.”

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This is a lake. I live in Michigan. Sue me.

Mike and I are in a wonderful place right now, but it would be crazy to think that one day things won’t become trying. We’re married, and the way I see it is kind of like the buddy system. Those of us who are called to marriage are asked to pick a buddy to stay with until the trip is over. Even as our feelings change for that person, we are still required to stick with them, and make sure they are safe, accounted for, and ready for heaven.

So, even as feelings wax and wane, we still choose to love that person by recognizing that we are helping him get closer to God. And, choosing to see your spouse the way God sees him may just be the secret to choosing to stay in love.

 .

Filed Under: Daily Dose: Catholic Living, The Husband, You Know?

When the Marriage Mirage is Reel

June 5, 2014 By Jenna 9 Comments

We are all (hopefully) familiar with the social media highlight reel in comparison to behind the scenes. These insecurities manifest in our work lives, our home lives, our motherhood, and our marriage – among other areas.

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seriously. check out this site. my fave kind of art.

And yeah, it’s hyper-important to keep this idea in mind, but what if things are really awesome? I’m not talking all the time, I just mean in general. Like, take Mike for example. I love that dude. And, most of the time, things in our marriage are good if not great.

Imma tell you some reasons I love our marriage with the understanding that we still fight; we still don’t agree on some things; he will never take out the recycling before it is spilling down the stairs; I will never turn his shirts the right way before folding them.

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Fun Fact: I was pregnant with Ellen in this picture, but we didn’t know it yet.

  • One time when we were dating, someone told us that we reminded him of Jim and Pam. We took it as the highest compliment.
  • We spend most of our waking time together trying to out pun one another.
  • Wanna know why I get to go to Edel? Mike got a bonus from work and insisted that I use it for airfare.
  • I would say that I probably change about 25% of the diapers when Mike is home.
  • Mike has the most impressive conscience. He prides himself on being honest all the time.
  • Mike pushes me when he knows I can do better, but he backs off and comforts me when he knows my anxiety is out of my control.
  • We follow the “You cook; I clean” rule after dinner.
  • After dinner, Mike often sings animal songs for the kids while I take a break.
  • We are both fully aware that I will do most of the cooking unless it comes to omelets. I don’t mess with those when there is a master in the house.
  • I tell him all my secrets.

What do other women love about their marriages? Find out.

 .

 

Filed Under: Anxiety, My Friends, The Husband

Mike Hines-Sight

November 26, 2013 By Jenna 2 Comments

It’s Mike’s golden birthday today. I’ll let you figure out how old he is.

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We’re spending the day eating. Mike has the day off work (thank you “use it or lose it” vacation policy), so we are doing cinnamon rolls for breakfast, BLTs for lunch, Cobb salad for dinner, and cheesecake for dessert. If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen.

You know what I asked for for my birthday dinner? Carry out. I’m just sayin’.

Anyway, here is the funny man:

On a recent fashion decision I made:
“Nice. I bet that’s stylish in some cultures.”

In his best pathetic voice:
“I stubbed my hip.”

After what I’m sure was a remarkable statement by me:
“Careful where you step. There is a pin on the ground over there. I heard it drop.”

On Ellen getting to big for the largest size diaper:
“What’s the smallest size Depends makes?”

Watching Ellen drilling for gold in the back seat:
“Oh boy. That was a definite consumption of a nasal deposit.”

Filed Under: The Husband

Mike Hines-Sight

July 2, 2013 By Jenna 6 Comments

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Taking pics for a hot dog review I am working on:
“Come on. This is obscene.”

After selling some stuff on eBay:
“We will just put that money in our “to blow” account. Not to be confused with our “for blow” account.

Walking in on my epsom salt bath, Mike grabbed a handful of salt and thew it into the tub yelling, “Bam!” and walked out. Never skipped a beat.

In response to Ellen’s frequent and lovely tantrums as of late:
“You’re really wracking up your frequent crier miles, aren’t you?”

After both kids pooped at the dinner table:
“Well, we’re just playing a game of musical chairs over here. And not in the way you would think.”

Me: {talking about who knows who} He is a very pensive guy.
Mike: And the word of the day is…very.

Me: What is Ellen crying about upstairs?
Mike: I don’t know. Probably something stupid.

Walking in the room while I was getting ready:
“That shirt looks nice on you. You can’t even see your baby remnants.”

Ellen crying again:
“The sooner you learn not to cry when things don’t go your way, the better my life will be.”

Me: I got a new workout DVD. Guess which one.
Mike: Kegels? Do they make DVDs for that?

Filed Under: The Husband

Mike Hines-Sight

March 27, 2013 By Jenna 4 Comments

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Mike: What was I going to do this morning?
Me: Beats me.
Mike: No. That wasn’t it.

After the weather broke for a warm second, we saw lots of joggers out and about:
“A lot of people out doing weird things today, huh?”

A typical Mike analogy – convoluted:
“I mean, would you rather build a road through a cornfield or a rainforest?”
I don’t know, dear.

Desperately trying to cut through some fancy cheese with wax on it:
“I’d never make it as a rich guy.”

Filed Under: The Husband

Mike Hines-Sight

February 25, 2013 By Jenna 7 Comments

Our movers are packing all of our stuff stuff so much stuff right now. We are off to Michigan, dear people. We still don’t have a place to live, so we’re moving in with my parents. Every grown-up’s dream. Honestly though, huge life-saver. Anyway, I’m off the grid. Laugh without me:

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Mike on my ever-worsening baby brain:
“I’m going to invent Google for women. You can just type in, ‘You know, the thing. The thing I was talking to you about yesterday. You know what I’m talking about, right?”

Me: We’re having Brazilian Chicken for dinner tonight.
Mike: Do they wax the chicken instead of plucking it?

Mike yelling for help from the other room while changing a poopy diaper:
“I don’t know how much damage was done. All I know is that she grabbed her diaper and waved it over her head like a terrible towel.”

Another chicken observation:
“Boneless, skinless chicken breast? They should add ‘nipple-less’ in case people are worried.”

Mike: My brothers used to bicker like girls when they lived together.
Me: Excuse me?
Mike: Sorry. Like women.

Mike making one of the two dinners he knows how to cook:
“Jenna, prepare for the wurst.”

Me: Mike, I’m so bored today.
Mike: Just wait until she takes a nap, and then you can Google “murder” or something.

On his disagreement with me turning down the heat in our apartment:
“That’s why they call it a bun in the oven and not meat in the freezer.”

Filed Under: The Husband

Mike Hines-Sight

January 14, 2013 By Jenna 3 Comments

"I'm having a hard time figuring out who the real Michael is."

“I’m having a hard time figuring out who the real Michael is.”

Mike: Next time I’m going to get pizza, do not let me get Little Ceasars.
Me: Well, you didn’t say you were picking up pizza.
Mike: I said I was making dinner. What did you think I was getting?

Mike on Ellen’s recent visit to Panera:
“I hope you enjoyed your $5 bowl of finger paint…”

In response to what I thought was an adorable pairing of stripes in Ellen’s outfit:
“What is she? An inmate?”

Watching The Artist:Mike: Is this a silent movie??
Me: Yeah, do you not want to watch it now.
Mike: No. I’m just trying to diagnose technical difficulties.

On my past cooking skills:
“Remember when you used to sneak Metamucil into my foods and I’d have the gassiest days ever? Good times.”

Me: Are you getting up? I need a lot of things?
Mike: Like what?
Me: String cheese and my book, The Constant Princess.
Mike: What is that a book about your life?

Mike changing his FB profile picture to the new Corvette:
Me: You know, that used to be a picture of you and your daughter.
Mike: I had to wait a decade for this car. I have kids way more often than that.

Filed Under: The Husband

Mike Hines-Sight (happy birthday edition)

November 26, 2012 By Jenna 2 Comments

Bottom Right: After letting Ellen drop off the back of that stage, terrifying her with large vegetables and scarring her for life by attempting a pony ride: “We are terrible parents.”

After I told Mike about how much his mom and I love each other:
“Well…kumbaya.”

Me: ” I don’t talk on the phone in my car. If I do, it is rare and brief.”
Mike: “Like my underwear.”

Watching Ellen use a map for her teddy bear’s “diaper”:
“Wow. That diaper really tells you where to go.”

Happy birthday, funny man. I love you.

Filed Under: The Husband

Mike Hines-Site

November 7, 2012 By Jenna 8 Comments

I promise this won’t be a regular thing. I am way too forgetful for that. But here is Mike, in all his glory.

“I’m pretty sure Oompa Loompas are just kids who ate pasta sauce.”

Mike: droning on about some car article
Me: :::sneeze:::
Mike: Can you stop interrupting me?

Mike on Ellen’s recent behavior:
“We should agree that we will not rest until she is an adequate human being.”

Mike on Ellen’s new anatomically incorrect octopus puppet:
“This is more of a sextopus. That just sounds wrong, and my finger is up its butt.”

After I used Mike’s tools to fix Ellen’s train:
“You would make a great single mom.”

While trying to decide what to do on Friday night for my birthday:
“We could just go to that kid-friendly evening place.”
Helpful.

While trying to find directions to St. Agnus Church:
“St. Angus: We only serve the thickest cuts of Christ.”

Filed Under: The Husband

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