Also, check out my squeaky monkey at three weeks!
(Still can’t figure out how to center those videos! I’m working on it!)
We have baskets that store blankets and…
So, I like baskets. So what?
My little squeaky monkey was two weeks and three days old yesterday. It was also Mike’s first day back at work. Selfish. Her and I spent the day trying to figure out what our routine is going to look like. More on that later though…like after I figure it out.
Today, I wanted to talk a little bit about labor and delivery for you birth story junkies. As the title of my post suggests, it took me a while to wrap my head around the whole process, and even as I write this, I am still in disbelief that I did that. I am anxiously awaiting my trophy that I am sure is in the mail.
So, here is our story:
Mike and I were in bed around 10pm the night I went into labor. Earlier that day, I had written my eviction notice, and I assumed that it had not worked. All of a sudden, I heard this loud popping sound that came from my pelvic area. I looked at Mike and said, “Did you hear that? I think my pelvis just cracked!” I wasn’t in any pain, so I didn’t think anything of it until I got up for one of my many nightly bathroom trips. “What is with all of this water?” I thought to myself. Duh, Jenna. I’m assuming you have figured out by now that my water had broke, but being a first time mom, I didn’t get it just then.
I started to feel some cramping at that point, and only then did the idea of labor cross my mind. I texted my doula, Vicki, who confirmed what we thought. She told me I would probably go into active labor within the next day or so. Little did we know what the next 22 hours would hold.
Yup. 22 hours.
Around midnight, the contractions were coming consistently at three minutes apart. We called the doctor who told us to get in right away as we were supposed to be at the hospital at five minutes apart. Rookies. Mike and I headed to the hospital where Vicki was meeting us. I sat in the back seat hugging the head rest unable to get into a comfortable position which is weird considering how pleasant and relaxed I felt…
This is all sounding familiar to you moms, isn’t it?
I was admitted into labor and delivery where they checked to make sure I was actually in labor. I let them know that if I wasn’t in labor I was, in fact, dying and they should just admit me anyway. Turns out it was labor, but I had not dilated at all.
Now let me say, all the time I have known Mike, he has never seen me get sick before. I just don’t puke. I don’t know why. That all changed the night I went into labor. I never knew I could throw up so much. It kind of went like this: ouch, ouch, puke. ouch, ouch, puke. ouch, ouch, puke.
I was all set for this labor stuff with my detailed birth plan and request for no epidural. 14 hours into labor, I was only one centimeter, and I was having terrible back labor. I opted for the pain meds to get my body to relax enough to dilate, and let me tell you, modern medicine works wonders, and seven hours later, I was ready to push. With the next one, I plan on having Mike give me the epidural before we head to the hospital. Can we do that? OTC epidurals?
Before pushing, I decided to hit my epidural button to get a bit more relief. It didn’t seem to be working, but I just chalked it up to the fact that it was getting time to push, so it must be more intense. After an hour of pushing, I could hear my baby Ellen cry, and then the nurse told me to hold her in. What?! Seriously? She was right there. Like, right there. And I had to hold her for five minutes while Slowsky McDoctor shuffled down the hall?? Finally, I looked at the nurse and said, “I’m not waiting” and Ellen was born! Liability shmiability. When the doctor and other nurses came in, they noticed a big pool of water on the floor next to me. Apparently my epidural had fallen out and I was actually going without one. The placebo effect is very powerful.
Now, most people say they immediately forget the labor process and are just thrilled to see their baby. That’s, like, half correct for me. I was thrilled to see Ellen finally, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t forget those things very easily. We’re hoping it will be a few years until Ellen has someone to call brother or sister. I did however experience an overwhelming sense of love. I had no idea that I was capable of loving anything or anyone as much as I love her. That is the best!
Now this may all sound like a big woe-is-me fest. Let me assure you: it’s not. To be honest, I am so very proud of myself. I discovered how strong I really am. I had no idea I was capable of something like that, and it has given me a new perspective and new confidence. When we left the hospital, I actually mourned the end of the labor and hospital experience. I loved that time (ahem, after it was done) because it created such a special bond between me, my husband and our daughter. I wish I could relive the moment she was born every single day (like, the actual moment she popped out, not the rest). Now, she is growing and changing every day, and all I have of the experience is memories (and a few choice pictures that will remain within the confines of Hines eyes), but I love each day with her at home even more and more. Aw.
Song for a Fifth Child
Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth
empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
hang out the washing and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
and out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
but I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.
by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
He plays a little disc golf.
“So, about getting pushed into the fountain. Maria and I were completely dying of heat exhaustion. We found a nice fountain in a park where people were sitting on the edge and dangling their feet in (and two older men were swimming despite the sign that clearly forbid it), so we decided it would be nice to dip our feet in as well. We sat on the edge of the water and cooled off with our feet submerged. After a while, we took our feet out and sat on the edge of the fountain so that our feet could dry (I didn’t want my wet feet running my socks). Well, as we were sitting there, apparently Maria saw some guy kind of harassing this woman and her daughter. They were put off by him and proceeded to leave the fountain. I didn’t see this because my back was turned. The man started to walk our way, and we he passed by us, Maria breathed a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, that was when I saw him. He was walking by, but then he turned around and said something in French. I couldn’t tell if he was looking at me, and so I assumed he wasn’t, because I had no idea who he was, so why would he be talking to me. I looked away for a moment, but he kept talking, so I looked back, and lo and behold, he was approaching me. He seemed to be in a jovial mood and was somewhat laughing, so I decided to smile back. That is, until he placed his hands on my shoulders, continued to speak in French, shook me, and leaned into me until I found myself falling into the fountain, where my clothes promptly soaked themselves, and my $200 Droid X screamed for help from my pocket. I stood up immediately, pulled my phone from my pocket, and trying to sound politely upset, explained that my phone was in my pocket and it was now soaking wet. I doubted it was going to work. Then he began to speak English, and I almost wish he had just stuck with the French. He told me that he had the money in his pocket to pay for the phone right then, but that if I let him explain something, I wouldn’t need the money. Of course, I wondered “What the hell could you possibly tell me that would make me reconsider the offer that you will pay for my obviously broken phone”. Little did I know, he would be right. Now, mind you, this guy was a lot bigger than I am. If you gave him a baseball bat, he would look like this. He began to tell me that 1) You can’t plant a garden in America because nothing grows there. But you can buy gold. 2) If we were to move to where he lives, there would be a lot of Satan worshipers, but we would be safer. 3) Humans are evolving either into reptiles or from reptiles. He wasn’t clear on either point. 4) Other insane nonsense babble that I have since forgot, but certainly had little to do with either A) Why he had just pushed me, a complete stranger, into a fountain or B) Why all of this was going to make me forget about my soaked phone. Of course, the sum effect of this speech was my complete desire for him to get the hell away as quick as possible, even if this meant I would not receive $200 from him, which of course I did not. Instead, he left, and we watched him start to talk crazy to someone else about 20 feet away before leaving altogether. Frankly, we were glad we were still alive. So, I went to stand in the sun for a few minutes while I literally twisted up my shirt until all the water dripped out of it. I had to walk around Montreal for the rest of the day in soaking wet clothes. Lots of fun. Luckily, that was the only negative experience we had, and obviously it is hilarious in retrospect.“
Yeah. That happened. Thanks for the laugh, David!
Now, the pictures of our beautiful squeaky monkey!
Ah. Life is good. Thanks be to God.
I was told this might work…
To: Ellen Margherita
Pursuant to the provisions of your mother, you are hereby given an eviction notice and notice to vacate, on or before July 23, 2011, the uterus owned by your mother of the State of Michigan, whose womb is now occupied by you.
The reason for this eviction notice is:
Your neglect to recognize the recent heat wave sweeping our state and your mother’s inability to do anything but sit inside and watch the WKAR Create station on PBS (why don’t we have cable, again?)
You are hereby notified that your right to avoid this eviction by payment, prior to the expiration of this notice has been revoked. Resistance is futile.
Substantial damage done to the premises is as follows:
Stretch Marks
Loss of Sleep
Restless Legs
Heartburn
Elevated Body Temperature
Weight Gain
Back Pain
Frequent Urination
Anxiety
Dated: July 21, 2011
Signed: Your Mother
I hereby certify that on the twenty-first day of July 2011, at 5:15 pm I left at the womb of Ellen Margherita above named, a true copy of the above original notice.
Apparently we have a vineyard and a winery in town? Hittin’ that up after the birth!
 Water tower that I’m hoping is not in use anymore…
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